Earlier this week a patient and I were joking about a rule she made for 2017. She proudly exclaimed, “The only rule of 2017 is that you can never speak of 2016!” She was a victim of the August ’16 “1000 year flood” in Louisiana, and she still isn’t back in her house yet. Little did she know that she was talking to someone who has had a very disappointing year too. Our house was spared from devastating flood, but prayers for a baby once again weren’t answered.
2016 started out on a high as John and I just won a free IVF a couple of months before. It would be our 2nd full IVF but our 3rd IVF transfer. Most of our embryos from that cycle had major issues and would cease to grow. We had one fighter that we knew had normal chromosomes, and we were presented with the opportunity to adopt a donor embryo. Unfortunately, this cycle would go on to fail despite our best efforts. It’s pretty devastating when a situation that seems so perfectly written by God, ends in the opposing way.
Late summer we decided to put our efforts for a biological child to rest. Sometimes, love makes a family, not genetics. Excited about our new path we set out to do the mounds of paperwork, visits with a social worker, and research that adoption requires. And by the time November rolled around we were active and financially (almost) ready to adopt. Currently, we are still waiting for our forever babies.
The year ended with the biggest heart ache that we’ve ever experienced. My heart may never be the same, as a piece of it is gone forever. I know I’m not finished processing all of the emotions, so that’s a post for a different time.
But I guess what I’m here to say is that as much as I would love to never speak of 2016 again, it’s part of our story, part of the journey. For the third year in a row, I’m going into a new year with hope that it’s our year for our baby. It may seem crazy that after all our heartache and tears that I still am choosing to believe, but I am. For my hope is not in Fertility Doctors, not in adoption coordinators, not in expectant birth mothers. But my hope is in God. I still believe that He is able to do immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine as explained in Ephesians 3:20. And I still believe that through all my tears, heartache, and pain, that He is going to make beauty with the ashes just like Isaiah 61:3.
I am thankful that throughout the many disappointments I am blessed with family and friends who remind me that my story isn’t over yet. I am thankful that when God seems so silent and distant I am reminded that He is still there and that He is holding every tear I cry in the palm of His hand. Through it all He is the same God that He was yesterday, is today, and will be tomorrow.
So when 2017 begins tomorrow, I choosing to still believe for Baby Best (or Babies Best!). And whoever you are reading this where ever you are, if you need someone to believe for your situation, whatever it may be, I would be honored to do so. It was in my darkest days that a friend whispered “if you can’t believe this for yourself right now, than I am believing it for you”. And I would love to pay that forward.
Happy New Year to you all!