I’m not really for sure how to start this blog entry off. One of my last posts was about our retrieval part of the free IVF that we won at the Baby Steps 5k 2015. After all was said and done we ended up with 5 embryos. Due to the recommendation of our RE we ran some extra tests. Not only did that test show that only 1 out of our 5 embryos were viable, it also showed that we actually have 2 infertility problems instead of just one. In addition to our original problem, we now know that I don’t have good egg quality, which one of the reasons why we keep having failed transfers. Unfortunately, John and I don’t make strong embryos.
We knew our only viable embryo did not receive a good “grade” under the microscope. To make a long story short we ended up adopting a donor embryo to transfer with ours. Our hearts were happy and we were full of positive expectations. This was our cycle, it was finally our turn to become pregnant and have a baby. We excitedly showed up to our clinic on transfer day, only to be told our adopted embryo didn’t make it through the thaw process. But we still had our original embryo. And we knew that God is bigger than lab grades and our embryo still had a shot.
It failed. Again.
These past 2 weeks have been filled with indescribable hurt and anger. It’s a pain that is in my innermost being, an ache that is deep within my soul. For a few days, it’s the only time in my life I haven’t been able to pray. I would just lay on my bed searching for something to say to God, but unable to say anything at all. Everything was falling so perfectly into place that we didn’t really think there was anyway that it wouldn’t work. We were picked out of 2,000+ tickets to win a free IVF, something only God could have orchestrated. Then why would He let it fail? Why is He allowing us to go through disappointment after disappointment when what we want is so pure, a baby to call our own?
I don’t have the answers. But I know God is still good. At my last support group meeting at Sarah’s Laughter, our speakers recommended an amazing book. Holding On To Hope by Nancy Guthrie. I’ve already finished reading it and it’s slowly helping me deal with all my hurt. I hurt for myself, I hurt for my Husband, I hurt for my family and my in-laws. I know how bad they want to fix this situation for us, I know how much they have prayed and pleaded to God on our behalf. I hurt because we don’t have good news to give them. At times there is so much hurt in my heart I think it may explode. But after reading and digesting this book I’m starting to look at things differently. Not to give anything away to those who haven’t read it yet, but it’s about the author’s personal story and also about Job from The Bible. Job suffered and suffered but he praised God anyway. We will continue to worship and praise God through this storm, however long it may last. This book has helped me see I needed to start praying about what He is trying to teach us through this season. I don’t believe God allows us to suffer with no purpose in the pain. He is trying to teach us something, mold us somehow, guide us to a certain purpose. I’m slowly starting to see why.
It was easy in my grief to think that us winning such a wonderful gift was a waste. I felt like I let Baby Steps down, I immediately wished someone else would have won who it would have worked for. Before we won, we had a social worker scheduled to meet with us about beginning the adoption process, so after, it was easy to be angry and tell God I could have had a baby by now if we hadn’t won.
But it wasn’t a waste. If we didn’t win we never would have done the extra testing, so we wouldn’t have found out about my egg quality. Since we now know we have hit the infertility jackpot, it’s easier to put the desire for a biological child to rest (but I still believe in miracles from God). I think we would have always wondered if we had tried one more time if it would have worked. If we did not win we wouldn’t have really began to look into embryo adoption, since our eyes were set on domestic infant adoption. Plus, there aren’t too many days in our lives where you can stop and think about the most perfect and extraordinary day you have ever had. November 21, 2015 will forever reign as one of those days for me. A day full of joy and bliss because of the Baby Steps. It was a day where we felt so loved and supported by family and friends near and far. As Beth likes to say, it is always a total Ephesians 3:20 day. It’s a day no one can take away from us, no matter if it worked out like we thought it should or not.
We still hurt. But we are choosing to believe that there will be good that comes of this. We are still hoping for a Best. I fully believe that God placed the desire of children in our hearts, so somehow, some way, He will provide. For now we wait.