“Be still & know that I am God; I will be exalted among nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
Last Friday, exactly one week ago from today, was a pretty bad day for John & I. We didn’t tell as many people this time around, but we had our Frozen Embryo Transfer a few weeks ago. Our last failed cycle was really tough, so John requested a bit more privacy this time. Which I totally get, because the more people you tell what is going on, the more people you have to tell if it doesn’t work. Every time you have to say another cycle failed, it feels like you’re ripping a band-aid off a painful wound.
So last Friday after another blood test, we got the call that once again led to ultimate disappointment, it was another failed cycle. But this time was a little different. We have no more frozen embryos, so we have no back up plan. There were a lot of tears, a lot of pain, and a lot of unanswered prayers and questions. I tell you this, not to get pity, but to show you what infertility really looks like. It’s honestly horrible, and the hardest thing John and I have ever experienced.
So we are at a crossroads now, and we have no idea whether to turn left or right. Do we try IVF again? Or do we look into other options? Or do we do nothing? Over the past few days a verse has kept popping into my mind. Be still and know that I am God. I’ve brushed it off a couple of times, but it keeps coming back, so I finally decided to read the Psalm it comes from. I dug around for some more information about the verse. I noticed that the psalmist was involved in some sort of warfare and the verse was a call from God to stop fighting, to lay their weapons down, and to BE STILL. It was a call to stop the frantic activity and know that God is sovereign over all.
John and I may not be fighting in a war, but we are right in the middle of a war against infertility. And I’ve been pretty frantic. Doing things like only using organic all natural products, including deodorant (Sorry, John!), to hours of endless research on Dr. Google. I kept ignoring the verse looming in the mind because I was afraid of hearing what God wants us to do next. To be still. To take a break. Honestly, a break from fertility treatments scares me. For all of 2015 I have healed from one failed treatment by immediately jumping to the next treatment. But now I can’t. On Monday I went to see Beth at the Sarah’s Laughter Infertility Christian support center. After
talking crying for awhile, she looked at me and said “You just want answers don’t you? What if a break is your answer right now?” Talk about hitting a nail on the head!
I keep questioning whether we should try again with IVF or look into adoption. Currently, that question overwhelms me. So now I understand why I need a break. John and I need to take a break to “Be still” and know that God is sovereign over our problems. We need to pray and be led in the right direction. Even though it scares me to take a break, I have to trust in God that this is what is right for John and I right now.
In a few weeks we will go in for a failed IVF consultation with our RE. We may get some answers from that meeting, or we may not. But even if the consultation makes our next move clear, we will probably continue our break for a little longer. We need to recoup spiritually, mentally, physically (for me), and financially. No matter what our next step is, it’s probably going to be expensive. And that money tree just refuses to grow in our backyard. Most of you know we have a team in the Baby Steps 5K in November. At the 5k one couple will win a $10,000 grant towards infertility costs or towards adoption. You can help us win by signing up as a participant on our team “Hoping for a Best!”. The best part is, even if you can’t attend, you can still sign up and it still counts!
But for now, we will practice “Being Still” and trusting that God will show us answers when the time is right. And somehow between our last failed results, talking to John, pouring my heart out to Beth at Sarah’s Laughter, reading the Psalm, and writing this blog, I have become okay with that.
Oh yeah- I threw away the organic all natural deodorant. I found that it doesn’t work very well about 3 months too late! 🙂