The Post That Wasn’t Supposed To Be

process

This post wasn’t supposed to be, it was never supposed to exist. You see, when I started this blog I had a plan. We knew we were about to start the process of IVF. So I was going to post the few entries that already exist, then after we finished our IVF, I would slowly start blogging about the different aspects. After a few weeks of talking about this or that, I would happily announce that our IVF was successful! That we were finally pregnant!

Except, it didn’t work out the way it was supposed to. Our IVF failed. I’m not pregnant for the 18 month in a row (but who is counting?!). It took a while to muster up the courage to write this. I don’t want to admit that our IVF didn’t work, I don’t want to admit I’m not pregnant. ¬†Honestly, I considered deleting this blog. I didn’t think things would get so personal so quickly. But I started this blog to 1. Bring more awareness to infertility and 2. Hopefully encourage others that may be struggling. Unfortunately, treatments don’t always work, its part of the process. Life doesn’t always go the way we planned. The failed IVF is our reality right now.

Was it devastating? Absolutely. There are so many emotions and hopes tied up in the procedure. There seemed like endless nights of injections after injections, appointments after appointments. Weight gain from all the hormones. Phone calls about how many eggs fertilized, how many embryos were still growing. And of course, the dreaded “two week wait”. The period of time when you over analyze every minor change, ache, or pain that could be going on with your body. For those two weeks I just knew I was pregnant. We had SO many people praying for us. We had already been through so much on this journey as a couple, how could God say “not yet, Lauren and John, not yet.” ? I just knew He wouldn’t, I just knew our infertility journey was coming to an end.

Fast forward to the Saturday morning I had my beta test to see if I was pregnant. Since it fell on a weekend our appointment was at 7:30 AM. I didn’t ever care I couldn’t sleep late because I felt like I was about to receive some of the best news in my life. So John drove me to the hospital where I gave another blood sample for the millionth time this year, and we drove back home to wait. And wait. And wait. What was supposed to be a phone call a hour later seemed like 5 years. I kept my phone as close to me as possible waiting for the call.

Then it came. As soon as I heard the tone of Nurse Jenn’s voice ask, “May I please speak to Lauren?” My heart shattered. She was always so upbeat and cheery on the phone. Even though I has just seen her an hour before, her voice was now quiet and sad. I’m not for sure what was even said. My brain quit functioning after the words “Your test came back negative” slowly came through the phone. I assume there were some instructions on what to expect next and something about what the next step could be. But all I heard is that my test was negative. As the words “thank you” meekly escaped from my mouth I gave my best effort to hold the tears back so she didn’t know I was about to breakdown. My world was suddenly upside down.

Somewhere between answering that phone call and hanging up, John had already moved to my side and was hugging me. He didn’t have to hear the conversation to know that our miracle baby wouldn’t come this month. So we just sat on our living room couch and cried. We mourned the babies we just knew for sure were in my womb. We mourned our lost hopes and dreams all over again.

The next few days were all a blur. We were both still hurting and confused. I was angry, sad, devastated, and numb all at once. I asked God “Why? Why us? Why isn’t this over? How could He let this fail when so many people were praying for us? Have you forgotten about us?” ¬† My answer to these questions came in form of a text message from Beth, the leader of our support group. She was checking up on us so I texted her the bad news. Her response was the answer to the questions I was so angrily asking God. “I am so sorry. I know it’s so hard. But your story is not over.”

How could this happen? Because our story isn’t over yet. How could God let this fail? Because our story isn’t over yet. It doesn’t matter how much I plan my life, it doesn’t always work out the way I want it. I’m still struggling to completely accept this. But I know that God knows what he is doing. I know the story He is writing for John and I is the most beautiful story for us. But for now I take comfort in the fact that our story isn’t over yet.

love-lauren1